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Friday, April 13, 2012

Spring Break

Tis spring break was like a diarrhea coated stick left out on a warm spring day.
So where do I begin? I guess we’ll start with the first day, Friday March 30th

Going to school that day was like watching a Cosby show rerun in 2012, it was unnecessary and while it had its highlights, I didn’t walk away with anything new or important. Except for a really bad case of the runs.

So finally, 2:00 came and after wiping the sweat off my balls, I ran out of school like Forest Gump out of Nam. School was over and I was pumped as fuck to start my break. The first day should have foreshadowed my entire break, almost like a 3rd grade Judy B. Jones book.
After I finished working out (cause you can totally see that I have the physique of a Spartan), I headed to my friend Noah’s house.

 So a little side note about Noah, he recently had surgery on his right leg and is in a boot along with crutches. He is crippled for the next month or so, but no worries, he’s pretty mobile and the worst thing about him is his pedophile-I want to touch little children-chin pubes

His facial hair is less 'rugged' and more 'pedophile-esque.'
We went to the mall to be annoying teenagers because we're fags and have nothing to do. Out of nowhere  I get a text from my mom that says: “When are you coming home? I need to talk to you about something- not doing it over text. We’ll talk Sunday.”

I shit myself as this is normally not a good sign. 

I proceeded on with Friday going to a hangout at my friend Jordan’s house. She’s a nice girl and her ridiculous dyed-red hair reminds me of this porno I saw once. Time there was uncomfortable being that someone was there whom is an avid disliker of me.

So yeah, I had to spend 4 hours with someone that hated me- pretty openly- All while being surrounded by drunk idiots.

For all sober people, being surrounded by drunk people is awful and about as entertaining as gargling rocks and vinegar while carving human shit into crayons.

I don’t drink for reasons that you can find out in my book Drugs, Drinks, and Cigarettes. I’m totally not promoting it by the way. Like seriously, don’t go and buy that. Seriously. Don’t.

Anyway, I’m at this hangout and everyone’s having a good time and terrible music is being played loudly in the distance.

However, one friend of ours was fucking hammered. She kept on coming up to me and Noah asking us how we got so strong and muscular. Then she would kiss our cheeks like the way a horny grandma kisses you after old poppy gave her a rubdown at the Thanksgiving table. Fabulous.

We spent a good portion of time avoiding her. Eventually, she collapsed on the couch and me and Noah pranced as we thought we escaped being raped. False. She woke up and quickly scurried to the upstairs bathroom. After falling up the stairs, she ran to the bathroom and just before she arrived inside, she vomited

All over the floor.

What a great way to start off Spring Break.

Friday quickly becomes Saturday as I dizzily pass out on Noah’s couch in the basement. Saturday I found myself going to “Joe’s Army and Navy Store” in Howell.

Most people would identify this place as being Howellbama or simply redneck white trash. This is my kind of place; I love these ignorant kinds of people. Though I was terrified of the surrounding moose heads and deer skins that were plastered over the walls, I was smitten by the Grateful dead T-shirts over in the corner.

 I may or may not have bought one. Checking out at the register, I couldn’t help but stare at the probably loaded Colt 45 pistols on display below.


I can’t seem to wrap my mind around what we did after that, but I do remember that I fell asleep in Noah’s room listening to the Backstreet Boys. Seriously though, we are not gay. For each other. 

Waking up, I found myself with a terribly fucked up right calf muscle and bed hair that resembled Ellen Degeneras’s pubes. Realizing that it was Sunday, I began to once again perspire heavily in fear of what it could be that my mom had to talk to me about. My nipples actually perspired milk at this point. So she texts me that she’s on the way to pick me up, I reply back with “Am I in trouble?” 5 minutes later I read, “Depends how honest you want to be.”

Imagine balls cringing, receding back inside my body.  This in fact happened to me at that moment.

I start freaking out; what the fuck could she be talking about?! I don’t drink, I don’t smoke weed, I don’t have anything illegal. The dirtiest thing I could think of is that my mom saw my internet history, but was that really so bad? Does my mom even know what bukkake is?!

Realizing this couldn’t be it, as I clear my history, I panicked more. What the fuck could it have been? That was the worst part: not knowing what the shit I could have done.

Turns out some alcohol went missing and because I'm an adolescent I was the only suspect- but to this day I say it was the cleaning lady. If you were a Polish immigrant who had to get by cleaning people's shit wouldn't you feel the need to have a drink every 10-15 minutes?

I sure would.

Eventually this turned out to be nothing but a waste of time and energy but it was like damn yo. The fuck?

I called up Joe and Noah for plans but discovered they were invited to a birthday party which I was explicitly informed I could NOT attend.

Thanks bitch; I hope your birthday cake has AIDS.

Eventually I realized I was shit out of luck with plans but smelt something and realized it was my own breath that resembled the inside of Adele's diaper.

Here is where I almost experienced the pussiest death of all time.

SI began to brush my teeth. As I began to brush my tongue, I went a little too far back and gagged. (S

The tooth paste then went to the back of my throat and the fluoride began to burn my esophagus intensely. Sensing this pain, I tried to use water to get it out, but used scalding hot water by accident. Burning and in immense pain, the fluoride and water mixed and began to foam. This blocked my airway and I began to panic. Thankfully, I managed to vomit just enough to allow a small bit of air through my windpipe. I fortunately (or unfortunately) didn’t choke to death but still had a burning sensation in my throat. I almost died by brushing my teeth. This basically raped all self-respect and dignity I had left, which was already very below par.

At least I had my copy of I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell and An Idiot Abroad was on TV, so it wasn’t a terrible day, just horribly awful.

The next day, Monday, I was supposed to hang out with this girl Becky. Sensing that this wasn’t going to work out whatsoever, I went over to Noah’s house. Noah and I desperately tried to find plans, but eventually settled on going out on a man-date to Applebee’s. Thankfully, there were 2 girl friends of ours there too, so we all got together. It was nice, our waitress was annoying and quirky as fuck and I thought multiple times how nice it would be to beat this lady with a shovel. What a swagged out Monday.

I was supposed to go to my friends the next day, Tuesday, to record some music in his home studio, but was informed that his cousins were over and somehow would get in our way. Fantastic spring break so far isn’t it? Instead of recording music, I found myself in the house of the guy that fucking hates me. His older sister, a senior, was throwing a party. It wasn’t too bad, the party itself, but my friends got so fucking drunk they were falling over themselves. I, being the only sober one, was left to babysit these drunken assholes. A little after midnight, we called a cab service to come pick us up; they said they were going to be there in about 20 minutes. They lied.

My buddies were fucked up, they were calling people and in the annoying drunk stage. One of them was talking to a girl he liked and was being more annoying than a canker sore under your teeth. Let’s call him, Asswipe. Another one of my buds was just falling over himself laughing. Let’s call him Slaphappy. Another was just swaying himself for no reason. Let’s call him Pussy. And lastly there was the aggressive one that was getting angry about having to take a cab, as he insisted that we could walk 7 miles in the cold at 1 in the morning. Let’s call him Asshole.

Pussy was using Slaphappy’s phone to talk to girls. Asswipe was falling over himself and I took his phone so that he couldn’t cause any more damage to himself. Slaphappy was too confused to do anything more than laugh. All the while Asshole was talking to a former girlfriend about his current love and affection of her. Lovely Tuesday evening. Actually, it was technically Wednesday morning, but who really cares. Finally at 12:48 this asshole cab driver decided he’d show up and do his job. We got in the cab and amazingly none of us did anything dumb enough to get the cab driver to call the police on us for underage drinking, even though I was 100% sober.

We arrive at Asshole’s house and he tells us all he has to piss, so he begins to pee in his back yard. Slaphappy, Pussy, and I waited by the garage door controls for Asshole to come over and unlock the door. Asswipe, being drunk and disorderly, thought it would be a good idea to follow Asshole and take a piss. Instead of doing said activity, he fell and proceeded to say “No, I just farted a lot.” This lead me to believe he shit his pants. Thankfully, my intuition and greater understanding of drunken people failed me and he did not. He really did just fart a lot.

We all went downstairs into the basement. Slaphappy, me, and pussy just wanted to sleep on the couch below, but Asswipe had to go throw up in the bathroom. Well at least he got his phone back. He deserved it. Asshole needed a mattress to sleep, so I found one in the spare closet and made a bed for him. It is about 3 o’clock in the morning when we are all finally settled down and Asswipe is done vomiting. I manage to fall asleep at 5 in the morning, and engage in the most uncomfortable sleep for about 2 hours. Woohoo! Two hours of motherfucking sleep. I get up and find myself somehow on the floor, and Asswipe in my former place on the couch.

Fucking A.

Later that day, all my friends sobered up and Asswipe went home. I think he had soccer or something, faggot.  Wednesday we didn’t do much, me and my friends. But I made plans for Thursday with some girl Gab and this ended up being one of the worst hang outs in my entire life.

Thursday shows up and I’m at Noah’s house with Joe. Were rather excited waiting for these girls to arrive, I’m eagerly hoping to get with Gab. These emotions are soon about to change. At around 3, we decide its best to retire to the basement to enjoy the Sox game, or as Noah calls it the, “SAUX” game. Joe and I simultaneously played pool with the occasional game with Noah. Finally, around 3:35, we were graced with these ladies’ presence. So one of them I was expecting, Gab. She looked good, I thought she was very pretty. Her other troll friend with a gap in her teeth however, was not so visually attractive. Gab and Troll girl came down to the basement and the awkwardness ensued.

They didn’t talk unless they were provoked to and they replied with about 3 or 4 words. Hooray! I thought I was able to get with that girl Gab no problem, but it turns out I had a better chance of enjoying a Tyler Perry movie. As the day ensued and the Saux game was over we all headed outside. I thought maybe they’d finally start talking or doing something outside but I was completely incorrect. Instead, they awkwardly watched Noah (whom has one useable leg) and Joe play a “game” of basketball. As Noah realized this was causing him agonizing pain, he retreated over to my left side, in front of the garage door. To my right about a few feet away were the girls. Then, out of nowhere, Noah’s little sister came outside and asked me, “who was that short girl with the bad hair and gap teeth?”

I shit my pants and felt awkwardness rape me in the ass.

I quickly and quietly replied, “She’s a few feet to the right of me…” Now, Noah’s sister was still inside the garage in a position where she could see me and talk to me, but was unable to see the girls to my right.
“Seriously…?” she asked. I flipped out and told her to immediately go inside the house. Noah was pissing his pants and tried with all his might to hold in his uncontrollable laughter. Well I’m glad one of us was having fun. After a while, I said fuck it and had everyone go back inside the basement thinking it would somehow be less awkward. Once again, I was incorrect. I put on South Park via Netflix and found that the girl Gab was soulless and did not like the show. Mother fucker. At some point after this, Noah had the realization that he had to get these succubus’s out of his house, so he went on YouTube and played some of the most obnoxious music known to mankind.

They’re ride home arrived 2.5 hours too late and I escorted them out of Noah’s house. As Gab left I decided I wasn’t leaving without something. I had to climb mount awkward for this asshole. So I kissed her on the cheek. They left and I returned back to my friends only to be ridiculed and informed that this was “the single worst hangout of all time.” What a great Thursday.

Friday I wake up in Joe’s guest room (we went over to Joe’s house after the date) and find that our order of clothes and hats arrived. I ordered a black Supreme hat and when it arrived it smelled like the tears and sweat of underpaid Chinese children. Just the way I like it. Honestly, this hat may have saved my entire break. I mean, at least I can walk out of this god damn break being able to say that I got a kick ass Supreme hat. Thank you internet, thank you.

After fornicating with my hat, I went home and showered. I realized in the shower that my profuse excess of belly blubber was a little too thick, so I decided to go to the gym. For an hour and a half I found myself either in extreme physical pain, or in extreme mental pain looking at the asshole guidos around me. I must ask, why the fuck do people feel the need to wear HATS to a gym!?! DA FUCK?! You’re at the gym to work on your body not to put on a fucking fashion show. Idiots. I hate everyone.

As the day ensued I went out with my mom on a date as I hadn’t spent time with her in a while. We ate pizza and saw a movie. Pretty good day actually. It’s ironic really, I was so excited to get out this spring break, but I had the best time just chilling with my mom. It’s kind of gay I’ll admit it, but after realizing how much people suck, I was glad to just be with Meleah.

Saturday evolved from the ashes of Friday. This was the first day of Passover. Now I’ll explain that my family is what I call, “fake Jewish” but that’s an explanation for another day.  I wasn’t looking forward to anything but brisket the whole day. Brisket, for those that don’t know, is basically what happens when the heavens open up and meat is shit out of the clouds and lands into my house. Brisket is the single most delectable piece of meat my pubescent tongue has ever had the great pleasure of touching. My esophagus blesses each and every occasion that I ingest brisket. Sorry, I just had to go on that little tangent.
After Passover Seder and dessert, I begged my mom to please bring me to my girl friend’s house. She’s not my actual girlfriend, though she was at one point, but she’s just a very good friend of mine, whom I may or may not want to have sex with intensely. Anyway, my mom told me she could not but thankfully my grandfather drove me. At her house, I found myself begging this girl to get with me. I hadn’t gotten with a girl all week and I was practically on the verge of suicide from being on such a cold streak. Well, she was being an asshole and somehow made me laugh so hard that my gum fell out of my mouth and into her hair.

Well that’s lovely.

For the next 20 minutes, her friend tried to get the gum out of her hair while I felt like a huge asshole. I honestly wanted someone to come and shoot me in the face at that moment because I felt like such a piece of excrement. The gum came out without the need of cutting, so I was able to keep my life, at least for a little while. What a great Saturday night.

Sunday I woke up exactly at noon, but realized I was going to be picked up by my dad in just a half hour. Motherfucker. Somehow by the grace of angels I made it to my dad’s car and was on my way to my grandparents. I was with my baby sister for most of the duration, so it wasn’t so bad. The family had a bit of tension in the air, due to some sort of situation, but I really didn’t give enough of a care to really investigate what was going on. After about 9 hours I found myself back in my own room writing this very post.
Monday was the last day of break and I at least was able to enjoy 9 hours of sleep for the first time during the whole break. Around 2, my best friend came over and we just hung out for a while. It was nice and unlike the rest of my break, nothing horribly wrong occurred and nothing went too askew. Thank fucking god, I honestly couldn’t handle another “adventure” at 1 in the morning. Well, after she left I just passed out and consumed enough lucky charms to shit out a pot of gold. In unrelated news, my toilet is still clogged with some shiny coin.

As the day came to an end, I decided I’d finish writing this post and mentally prepare myself for the whore that is High School.

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