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Sunday, December 30, 2012

Atheistjustin Goes To Church

 will give you all a little tale about an atheist boy named Justin. Justin has hard nipples, acne, a girlfriend with a penis, and family members from both the Jewish and Roman Catholic religions. One of those facts isn't true, can you guess which one it is?

Since his family is Roman Catholic, he has been to chuch several times, as a matter of fact, he has been to church more often than any Christian, Catholic, Protestant adolescent he's ever met in his home town. He is atheist though, and so when he goes to these masses, he listens with ridicule, skepticism, and hard nipples.

Well, that boy grew up to become the atheistjustin and is now the very writer of this blog. Let me tell you a little more, I haven't been to church in something like two years. The last time I went, the response was and also with you and the prayers were different. But today of all Sundays, I found myself in the beloved temple of lies known as church.

I went to be nice to my family because my charity and hospitality are the only things that will ever get me to wake up at 9 A.M. on a Saturday. Or maybe fire. Or sex. Or fire sex. Cocaine.

Off I was today with my two sisters and dad to church. Upon arrival, I noticed a police officer right outside in his cruiser, watching over the people in the parking lot. Here comes my first question: if these people are all gathering in a church to worship their imaginary friends, why do they need supervision? Isn't it all to be a good person and show that you're a man of god? Why does there have to be an officer there if the average Christian is supposed to be a good guy?

Then as I left I saw him directing traffic, so that answered that question.

Roman Catholics:1
Atheists: 0

As I went inside I was greeted by a traffic of people and some chaos until finally my family found a pew in the front. Sitting down, looking at the people, I knew I was in for an adventure. The first thing I noticed was the architecture: the way the ceilings were enormously high and the odd shape of the building threw me off guard. I thought about how much space was here and how nice it would look if the building was a strip club.

I'm serious though, that cross Jesus hangs from would be the perfect place for someone to pole dance. I would be happy to audition.

I saw this nice little treasure on the alter: a golden chest. I asked my sister what it was (being that she goes to CCD) and she told me that the body of Christ was in there. I was immediately full of questions again. Why do we have a body part of Jesus? Is the box refrigerated? Does Jesus need that back for the second coming? Can I look at it? Does it smell bad? Is that real gold or just gold paint? Did I leave the iron on? Why is the man across from me staring at me? Can he smell the atheist on me?

I looked around some more and saw some statues and models of the Nativity with baby Jesus, Mary, Joseph, and of course the three wise men. BUT THEN, came another question.

Who are the three wise men? What makes them wise? How did they know Jesus was born? Why are they all white people if were in the Middle East? Isn't Jesus black? Why is that guy taking his pants off across from me?

Further on we proceeded as the mass began. Reagan, the little homie, was playing on her leap frog and having a dandy little time totally ignoring all the singing and talking. My biggest complaint was this: can't we just fucking sit down. I mean honestly, do we really need to stand up and sing? Is god going to get pissed off if we relax while we praise him? Why is that man across the pews touching himself?

The man touching himself put his pants on and threw on some robes. Turns out he was the priest, and then began the service. I was totally left out, because I forgot how to do their secret hand codes. The Catholic religion reminds me a lot of a nerdy Star Trek group. With their little secret language, hand sings, and cool costumes, it's almost the same exact thing. The biggest difference is that the leader of the Catholics gets to wear a cool hat.





Look at that fuckin' thing. Swag to the max Pope Benedick.



The Priest continued on with his service and was explaining the power of faith and how on Christmas, he was saddended by how faith isn't something that carries on in the family and blah, blah, blah. Here's another argument: what good has faith ever done? With the exception of giving people comfort in death, what has faith done? I'm pretty sure that faith in one's relgiion is what led to the Crusades, other wars all throughout history, and 9/11. As one Atheist's T-Shirt says: Science flies us to the moon, Religion flies us into buildings.

Get wrecked.

Roman Catholics: 1
Atheists: 1

The Priest left the alter and the choir began. My favorite songs like, "Christ Have Mercy," "Oh God, Your Glory," and "I Buttfucked The Little Altar Boy" played and I felt awkward not singing. The fact is though, I was being respectful. I didn't want to participate in something I don't believe in because thats just plain rude and two-faced. That's like an old man rapping to Eminem's "Ass Like That "it's just innapropriate and wrong.

Up next came the part where everybody goes to score some $1.50 wine and crackers. Those crackers, by the way, are probably exactly what the Pope's dick tastes like. As everyone went to get up me and Reagan were left alone for a little and she asked me why I didn't go up. I told her it was because I never had communion and proceeded to answer her questions about the statues of the Nativity.

"Why does that man have a box?"
-It's a present for baby Jesus honey.

"Is that a goat?"
-Yes love, they're in a manger.

"Are there elephants in a manger?"
-No, just some hay and farm animals.

"Are there any other aminals?"
-Animals, sweety. And no."

"Why does baby Jesus have a crown on his head?"
-Because he's the king of something, I don't know bitch I'm a fucking atheist this is all bullshit kid let me get you out of here.

As everyone was sitting back down, Reagan was talking so I stopped her and said, "shh, you have to whisper in church, you have to be quiet right?" Right after, the priest started again.

"WHY IS HE YELLIN?!"
-Because he's the priest honey.

 ^ I lol'd.

Not too long after, the service ended and my nipples went back to their hard ways. I gained nothing out of the mass, had more questions, and felt tired. With all that said and done, it can be seen clearly that I am not a huge fan of church, but do enjoy going a little bit.

As I leave you all now, I give you a beloved picture of my sister Reagan







Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Sorry For The Wait. Now Wait Some More.

Well basically, I haven't had a new blogpost on this piece of shit in a while but thats because between homework, work, and sucking men's assholes, I've been extremely busy. I don't have much time to sit around and make analogies about AIDS or diarrhea. This is sad for many of you, I know, but soon you will be rewarded for your dedication.

By next Friday, I will have a new blogpost. I swear it will be great and worth the wait but for now just chill out and play Far Cry 3 like me.

By the way, that game is insanely good and addictive and it makes my nipples hard to the touch.

See y'all soon.

Suck my AIDS ass.

Thursday, December 6, 2012

Atheistjustin is ill.

I don't mean ill' like a really cool guy with big arms, chains, and hot bitches. I mean ill like my 38 year old mother who has more diseases than she has nipples. But for more information on that go to

mommamiameaculpa.com

or better yet, rub my nipples with hot candle wax and spank me. Actually, that won't answer any of your questions, but it will definitely give you a fun story to tell at parties and to your children. I told my grandma about this one time at a Rutgers party and well, she's been in Briar Cliff Mental Hospital ever since. But that's a blog post for another day.

Let's get back to my dying.

Okay, so I'm not really dying, but whatever. So let's back track to last Friday at 2A.M. I woke up really itchy and proceeded to scratch myself for a good 45 minutes until finally stopping myself and sleeping. Long story short, I ended up calling out of work on Monday because my doctor told me my hives could be caused from the dyes, dust, and materials of the store.

Needless to say, my nipples were wet with fear. I was pissed, concerned, and full of semen. I finally got a job that I not only enjoyed working at, but which also gave me a sweet pay and discount. Then I'm to find out that I'm allergic to it? Fuck Obama.

So anyway, after periods of sever itching and/or being covered in Calamine lotion, I discovered the true culprit was actually my feather comforters and pillows. Also, I'm allergic to heroine but shhh. In actuality, I'm still not sure what I'm allergic to, but tests next week will figure that out. (Blogpost to come soon).

It was Tuesday when I asked my Manalapan Brethren if they missed me. One person, by the name of Kelsey Imahugejewwithgingerhair replied to me and I responded to her, by of course, fucking with her. This is how it all went down.

For those that don't know, Grand Central is the name of the center of Freehold Township High School. For some reason, New York named their subway system after it. Weird.

For some reason, I lost the ability to type.

This spurred a rumor throughout my high school, because the people that go to my high school are fucking retarded. While there are exceptions to the rule (Asians), most students in the school are women with large badonkadonks and boys that do blues and will be attending Brookdale Community College soon after graduation. Also, please don't stab me.

Literally, everyone was under the impression that I had left or was gone forever. Upon my arrival back today, I was questioned by peers, teachers. and a lesbian with a monkey on her shoulders. Her reason for being at my school: still unknown.

With that being said, I'm feeling much better now and I hope to be back on my nipples in just a few days. I leave all of you now, with a picture of the one man that can really cure me: Bill Cosby.



(This picture was later taken down by Google just like how most things related to Bill Cosby were). Such a shame. 

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Atheistjustin FUCKING HATES APPLE.

I was going to originally title this blogpost "My Nipples Are Wet, So Kiss me." but unfortunately, I am currently in a fit of rage and despair. Initially, I wanted to write a blog post about my homie Nick Foreman and talk about the strange fact that everyone in Manalapan High is slowly leaving. Unfortunately, Apple Inc. fucked that all up.

So here is my problem right off the bat: I don't have a Macintosh. That's right. For my 13th birthday, I wanted my own computer so I went to Best Buy and said, "Look assholes, I have $750 and I need a machine with a keyboard and a screen on top of that." They pointed me towards the HP in the back and after about 5 minutes I was sold.

I may as well have been sold as a sex slave, because I got fucked on that day.

Only a few months after did shit start falling off, taking forver to load, and a whole bunch of other shit. Around sometime last year, I spilt tea (yes tea, I'm a hipster faggot) all over my computer and fried the speakers, so they don't work anymore. Now, whenever I'd like to hear sound, I have to use my headphones and awkwardly watch porn 8 inches from my face with the help of my headphones.

What does this have to do with Apple?

Well nothing yet, but I would like to mention that Apple is way too expensive. I have talked to at least 4 Asian kids and they have all told me that for the amount of money we pay for them, the Asian kids could build 4 of the same computer equally as good.

Obviously the Asian kids are good at building things, that's why we have the small children make our tampons and pretty much all of our shit.

The TRUE problem is that in today's modern society, if you want to listen to music, you need iTunes. Lets be real here, when's the last time you've gone to someone's house and they used Windows Media Player?

But iTunes doesn't work well with PC's because the assholes at Apple want you to buy their shit, not anyone else's. Because of this, my iTunes constantly freezes, crashes, and gives me itchy gooch. But this is only the first problem.
Secondly, I have the unfortunate love of iPhones because unlike other smart phones, they're the only phones that everyone knows about and loves and thinks is sexy. With the exception of poor people, Asians, and soul-less bastards at Microsoft, people are all about the sexualness of the iPhone. What do you need to update your white piece of shit? iTunes. See how this is a problem?

As if that wasn't enough, my megaton whore fuck of a phone likes to pretend I hate it. In actuality, I have tried to have sex with it on multiple occasions. In totally unrelated news, I have severe cuts on my penis.

So there I was just a few days ago, dick in one hand and my updating iPhone in another. It was plugged into my HP sucking the life out of it, and trying to "update." Which by the way, is fucking bullshit. Until they entirely switch the IOS system does it ever actually change. Are you going to tell me that you noticed the distance from IOS6 and IOS6.01?

You have a better chance of me stroking Joe's penis while he sleeps. Just kidding, that happens pretty much every night.

When my piece of shit phone finished updating, I saw that I had an "Other" space of 3.4 gigabytes.

wut.

wut.

wut.

Macklemore, can we go thrift shopping?

go fuck yourself, mack.

So I called Apple because I had no space left for any more child pornography, music, or pictures of orphans. My current background is currently of an Ethiopian boy named Dreythunjjjjj. I call him, "Hungry."

What great information did Apple have to tell me? What was their genius advice to fix my phone? Back up everything and restore my phone.

K bitch.

It took me a solid 2 hours for my slutPhone to fully restore and back up because there is more shit on there than there is in Kim Kardashian's mouth. Is there still 3.4 Gigs of Other? Yes. Does my phone strangely still add more porn and music? Yes. Am I going to continue to ask myself more questions and answer them? Yes. Do I like waffles? Yes.

With that all said and done, I am almost positive that when I get my next computer, it's probably going to end up being a Macbook because let's face it: Apple products are sexy, cool, and most widely used by famous people and TV show characters named Gregory.


 And now, as I finish up this iPost, I leave you with a picture of the only 'Mac' I've ever cared for.






Thursday, November 22, 2012

Atheistjustin and Christmastime



When I buy my pack of extra small condoms and kit-kats around Christmas time, I get really fucking pissed off when the cashier makes change, gives me my receipt, and says, "happy holidays." I also hate when they critique me on my 2.1 inch shaft, but that's besides the point.

What I hate more than ANYTHING is the term "Happy Holidays." Nobody is walking around thinking "oh wow, I can't wait for Kwanzaa!" This is Christmas time god damn it, and even as an atheist, I have to say that its total fucking bullshit that people don't say Merry Christmas anymore. Seriously, who is being offended by hoping someone has a good day?

Is it the Jews?

Is it the Muslims?

Is it the work of Oprah? That whore.

All I know is, that even though I don't believe in the virgin birth of the savior of man/king of the Jews, I still think that Christmas is an awesome holiday. There is no feeling like the morning of Christmas, where you wake up and feel the surge of happiness from unwrapping presents and getting your gifts. It makes my balls tingle just thinking about it.

Ho-Ho-Ho ladies ;)

In my perfect Utopia that I will one day create, there will be no religion and there will be a mandatory exercise that all citizens must do so that they're not fat like Wisconsinites. Also, people will be able to smoke whatever they want, whenever they want. But in addition to all that, I also want a holiday on December 25th, where people do the exact same things on Christmas, but the holiday will be called Hawtmas.

My country will also have no pants. Ever.

However, Christmas is a long time from now, about a month and 3 days to be exact. Today, is actually Thanksgiving and perhaps now would be a good time to list off all the things I'm thankful for:

THINGS I'M THANKFUL FOR
1. The murdering of Native Americans 500 years ago
2. iPhones
3. Porn



With that all said and done, I wish everyone a happy motherfucking Thanksgiving and to remind everyone that the average Thanksgiving meal is 5,000 calories. So don't become fat pieces of shit. Or I will cut you.

Also, if you go to the mall on Black Friday and go to Tilly's between the hours of 4p.m.-11p.m. you will see me and I will be handing out free Chinese babies to anyone that would like them. The fat ones cost 5 dollars.

But in all seriousness, I actually did get a job at Tilly's and so far it is awesome. There's nothing I love more than working with people and working on Black Friday is just going to make my nipples so incredibly hard. If my boss is reading this, hi.

Please don't fire me.

When it comes to Tilly's, I must admit I have always been a fan of the store. Being that I have purchased several beanies, shoes, and other clothes from the store, I've been a customer for a while. Working there and getting that 20% discount is sexy and much appreciated. I also can't wait to start wearing skinny jeans to the point where my balls will resemble walnuts.

Though I am not a skater (more of a hipster to be honest) I still highly reccomend all my motherfucking fans to come down and visit me. Also, if you buy something that will make me look good. And if I look good, I will stroke you in any area you'd like me to.

With that being said, here's a picture of the man who founded this amazing country and without him we would have nothing to be thankful for and no holidays or Black Fridays to celebrate.



I'm talking of course about Tom Brady.

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Atheistjustin is a Pussy

If there is one thing my sugar-coated tits are not, it is athletic. Though I am dashingly handsome, hilarious, have a huge penis, and able to make music with my anus- I am a terrible athlete. My body is magically slender, but far from muscular. Instead of a six pack and huge arms, I have bacne and hair.

But that is all right with me. I mean after all, have you ever heard of an athlete making good music? Or of an athlete being hilarious or a good writer? I think not. Actually, if you want to laugh your ass off, go on YouTube and look for DeSean Jackson's rap songs.

Well, even though I am an nonathletic piece of shit, I decided sometime over the summer that maybe I should try to do SOMETHING other than touch myself and write blogposts about my boyfriends. So I thought of a possible sport I could do.

Football? Hell no, I have no hand-eye coordination.

Golf? Hell no, I have self respect.

Bowling? Hell no, the last time I bowled, a little Indian boy got a higher score than me. He was 6.

Track? Hell no, my cardiovascular endurance is worse than my AIDS.

Swim? Well...

Well..

So there I had it. I would take my shirt, pants, and underwear off in front of boys in a locker room so that I could get in a chlorine-piss infested pool to show off my awesome skills. I thought it would be easy, and that a mere exercise of running every once in a while would get me through try outs. Well, I was fucking wrong.

Swimming is hard, harder than my nipples when I watch new episodes of Dexter. It literally works every single muscle in your body and after only 5 laps of swimming, I got out of the pool and said, "Yeah, Mr. M, swims not for me. Have a great day, thanks for the opportunity."

It was a good try, and I pat myself on the back for trying. But those crazy motherfuckers on the swim team should totally be respected. It's an intense sport, and a damn good one. The kids on the team all had amazing bodies and I became a little hard looking at their pecs.

No, I'm not gay.

Well..

With the help of Neeks Petosa, I maintained my sanity and decided that I should stick to typing away on my little keyboard, and stay away from water, and exercise.



A perfect pic of us.



Soon after swim tryouts I went back home and ate cookies and crack rocks. The following day, which is Saturday for anyone that might be slow, I went to the mall with Joe. Going to the mall is one of my favorite past times, the simple thrill of walking around and seeing expensive things I don't want to buy is a joy. I also enjoy staring at the Hasidic Jews and screaming "MAZEL TOV!!!"

My goal of the day was to simply buy a cardigan for less than $20 and long behold I found one for $17.95 at H&M (prounounced hm).

Well, after buying the cardigan, wearing it, and getting several compliments from it, I walked into the store Tilly's. There, I found this little treat-



The homie Casie in full employee uniform. Though she is only 4'9.5'' she is somehow and employee at this store and can barely reach the cash register. Either way, after I said hi and bye to her, she talked to the manager and informed her that I myself, is in need of a job. Long ago in a galaxy far, far away I had applied to this very place but did not hear back.

With the help of a child-sized friend, I successfully became employed at Tilly's.


As all days pass, so did Saturday and Sunday came along. From this day forth, I am no longer and Eagles fan. Having a record of 3-7 is not only embarrassing, but it is humiliating when all of your friends are kicking your asses.

From the problems being Andy Reid's weight to Nick Foles' shit cover, the Philadelphia Eagles have become nothing but a mockery and a shame. I cannot support a team that cannot support itself. Perhaps next season, when Reid is gone and the team is fixed whole I can respect them, but right now, I'm taking a hiatus.

Who will I be cheering for? Why of course the New England Patriots. Because they win. And their quarterback is a hunk.


Some people may say that "I can't do that" or that "I'm not a real fan" but to them I say, "DIZ IZ MURIKA!!! I DU WHT EYE VANT!?"



With a job and a new Football team, Atheist Justin is happily a pussy.

Go Pats.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

The Nonsensical Ramblings of Atheistjustin.

A lot of people may be expecting me to have some sort of post regarding the recent presidential election, but my response to that is fuck all y'all mofuckas. I can't vote, therefore I don't care. When 2016 comes along and I'm 20, I'll start to give a flying fuck. Until then, all you elephant-sized bitches can suck my donkey nuts.

How's that for a fucking political cartoon?

Truth be told, I don't have much to write about, but I feel obligated since the last thing I wrote about was Hurricane Sandy. And since that news isn't headlining anymore (cause it's 3 days old), I feel as though I should replenish my blog with up-to-date news. With that being said, my balls are itchy, and I am currently scratching them.

Maybe I should regard the fact that I never had a Part 2 to my blog about Hurricane Sandy... oh well suck my dick.

I apologize for all my cursing, I did too much heroin.

I just asked my girlfriend, whose name on this blog will be Red Snapper. what I should write about. This is due to the fact that I am an uncreative fuck hole and lack the creativity to think of shit.

She told me American Horror Story.

So here we go.

If you don't watch this show, you shouldn't. When I first saw commercials for it appearing I was like "eh, dudes, blues, balls, wieners, cocaine, and hipsters." But after Red Snapper got me hooked on this season, I have been more glued to my television screen than my own semen after watching pornography.

Just kidding I don't watch porn on my TV.

If you don't believe me when I say that this show will fuck with you psychologically, maybe you should grow testicles and watch the intro to at least one episode.

I'm not putting a link up, because I'm too lazy


...Well that topic is over. So let's try a new one.

My cousin asked me today about my book and it reminded me that the yellow piece of shit existed. When I call it a book, I mean it more as an experiment. The book is less than 100 pages and that's because I knew the only people reading it would be my friends and family, and teenagers, in Manalapan.

I knew it wouldn't be a best seller or something that would make me rich and famous. I was testing the waters to see what it would actually be like when the days would come of me hopefully being a professional writer.

Ya bitch dazz my future wut u gaht!?

^The genius writings of Atheistjustin.

But anyway, people still ask questions about it and I'm sure somewhere in this big piece of shit Internet, someone might be interested in wasting $10.00 in buying a book.

So here's a link to that.


http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Justintheatheist


I highly recommend buying it because I'm amazing and if you stalk me or find me I will totally sign it for you and possibly give you oral sex.







Well, I think that's long enough for a blogpost, and if it isn't, than I will leave you with a picture of Emilio Estevez.




Atheistjustin, out dis bitch.

Saturday, November 3, 2012

Surviving Hurricane Sandy P. 1

Howdy.

As I write this, I am in an electrified kitchen in Pennsylvania. With running water, food, gas, and electricity, I am easily one of the most blessed people from New Jersey. Before I begin this shitty post, I'd like to say FUCK YOU to every fuckboy that got power before me (including my girlfriend) (fuck you bitch).

Also, I wish the very best to those that may have been devastated by the storm, though I'm pretty sure none of them read my blog. So I guess, fuck them too.

Anyway, it's been 4 days, 23 hours, and 27 minutes since my power went out in my home and I have been slowly dying ever since. I didn't think Sandy would do shit, and I was pretty convinced she was a pussy. Sadly, I was incorrect.

If Sandy was any woman, she was my ex-girlfriend, because she fucked everybody. My ex-girlfriend, by the way, is Paris Hilton.

By "ex-girlfriend" I mean Korean Hooker off Route 9.

And by "Paris Hilton" I mean, Kim Suk-Me-Titty.

But I suppose I should start my journey with Hurricane Sandy, and explain to everyone what the famous Atheistjustin has been doing.

I suppose I'll start with the day before the storm hit, Sunday. I was at Joe faggot Sada's house and was putting away his outdoor furniture. He, myself, and his parents, were all assured that this storm would end up being nothing at all, and since Irene was a class higher, we were pretty much expecting a drizzle.

We all know, that is a load of shit.

The very next day, Monday, at 4:15 P.M., my power went out in my house .That is when it hit me, when it hit all of us, that this motherfucking storm was no drizzle. This was a hurricane. And not a little white girl pussy hurricane like Irene, but a big fat black woman hurricane that won't shut the fuck up during a movie. They should have named this Hurricane Shaniqua.

My power was out and we resorted to candles, flashlights, board games, books, and thoughts of suicide. When my power went out I tried my hardest to conserve battery power on my phone, but I couldn't resist tweeting. My tweets, as they progressed, showed signs of me slowly losing my fucking mind.

"Hahaha, I just told myself an amazing Joke."

If I had a picture, I would show you all. Sadly, I like boys.

During the time of the black out, I managed to complete 2 books, 19 rounds of Connect 4, Parchese, Sorry!, and finished Kirby two times on the Nintendo DS.

As a small anecdote, when I found my Nintendo DS, my nipples became so incredibly moist that I could have drenched the Sahara Desert with them.

My DS had not been charged in a solid 9 years, and yet the green light shone like a motherfucking traffic light.

Traffic lights, by the way, are still not functional. Who wants to go drag racing?

Tuesday

My mom and I investigated the surrounding area and saw shit toppled over, broken, closed, and scary. It kind of resembled the inside of my asshole.

We saw a gas station open, but the next day it was out of gas. We tried to cross over Rt. 33, but it was blocked. We saw a homeless man, and we killed him.

Moving on, we spent the night drinking expensive wine with our neighbors and dined on one of the finest feasts I've ever had. It was good, and I felt that power might just come back the next day.

WRONG MOTHERFUCKER. Wednesday my mom and I couldn't quite take it anymore. So we got our things, packed up, got in our Subaru, and....

had no gas.

SO we took my grandfather's car, put our things in, went to Route 1 and...

I beat my previous record for number of consecutive days alive.

We made it over the bridge. Like an Eagle, soaring over her young, my penis was harder and mightier than the rocket launchers on an Apache helicopter. My mom and I rejoiced in the vehicle, which was so awkward because I had a boner the size of Oprah's clitoris, but whatever.

And so, for about 4 days, I have been in my Uncle's Pennsylvanian utopia.

However, with only a small bag of clothes and my PS3, DS, and iPhone, I've been bored as tits. I miss my home and I know I sound like a bigger fag than I usually do, but I miss my girlfriend. Hell, I miss all my friends, even that ugly ass Jew Noah.

My hope is that everyone's power comes back and that this Halloween I can successfully dress up as Waldo and get free candy. My wish is for everything to go back to normal, and for my High School to die.


With wishful thinking and an optomistic hope, or perhaps just gas, Atheistjustin out this bitch.







Sunday, October 28, 2012

Atheistjustin Hates The New York Giants.

As I write this, my nipples are so hard with hatred that I could cut open Tom Coughlin's jugular with them. They have just successfully bullshitted their way to another victory. This time, Eli Manning (an autistic Southerner with retard strength) and a pack of black people, have managed to beat the Dallas Cowboys.

During this game, it has to be noted that the very beginning was paved with Giants touchdowns. This was not due to excellent play calling, nor due to the athleticism of incredible athletes. These early touchdowns were made via the folly of Cowboy's quarterback Tony Romo (also known as Tony Homo).

Anyway, as the second half unfolded, the New York Giants were fucked in the anus by the Cowboys as their vigor and new found courage brought them to lead the game by a single point. However, the Giants sucked the life out of all Dallas fans everywhere and devilishly found a way to win.

Within the last minute of the game, the score was 29-24 and Cowboys were in possession of the football. Romo amazingly threw a touchdown pass with Dez Bryant incredibly hoisting his body into the air and slinging the pigskin into his arms. But of course, since the Giants are nothing but blood sucking evil bastards, they had to ruin this fantastic moment in Football history and complain like little pussies.

The ruling was overturned as it was decided the touchdown was invalid. Why?

Because Dez Bryant's fingers were .5 inches outside of the end zone.

This is the bullshit of Giants football and it is one of the reasons why I hate them more than Spike Lee hates white people.

Please explain to me how this is fair in any way, shape, or form. I would love to understand how people could possibly convey the belief that due to the force of gravity and motion, that he could have not been in that situation.

I am more than positive that the Giants themselves have committed greater acts of bullshit touchdowns than the ones the Cowboys performed. And yet, they find themselves winning once again.

Do not be confused: I am an Eagles fan and will be until my dad dies. Why? Because he made me promise that I have to be an Eagles fan if I'm his son. I made this deal when I was 7, and 9 years later I can't back out. Oh well.

What bothers me most about the Giants is not the incredulously insensitive players themselves, but the fucking fans. Oh yes, you will find nobody more cocky, more sore-losing, more motherfucking ignorant, than Giant fans.

These little pieces of shit will never get over their love of their fucking team. And being a 7 year old kid in NJ, surrounded by Giants fans everywhere, it was hard growing up with everyone making fun of you. Oh yeah, that's fucking right, I was picked on by Giants fan as a small kid. This led to me neglecting football for a very long time and not coming back to it until just a few years ago.

Regardless, Giants fans will only speak when they are winning/have won. During the time when they were losing and when the Cowboys were scoring touchdowns, you couldn't see a single Giants fan tweeting or making any mention that they existed.

BUT OF COURSE, once the fuckers win by a bullshit call, they refuse to keep their mouths closed.

It is due to this ignorance and this disregard for sportsmanship and respect that I hate the Giants and all Giants fans.

But I must speak on the Eagles and clarify that I do not think my team better. Mike Vick is the worst quarterback to play for my team and Andy Reid is without a doubt the fattest, most Walrus-looking, most awful coach of all time. I can hardly watch a game without writhing in pain.
Please explain to me how my team is supposed to accomplish anything when they have a quarterback who can't throw, a coach that can't pick plays, and a running back that either fumbles or runs 3 yards.

My team is in the shit hole while the Giants continue to bullshit their way to more and more victories. Something had to be said and I'm happy to finally get this all off my chest. Now, I'm going to go cry and think about how nice it will be when Eli Manning's wife leaves him and when Tom Coughlin's old wrinkled balls finally hit the grave.





Angry Atheistjustin, out this bitch.

Atheistjustin's Nightmare 2 Months Before Christmas

Parties in my town are usually shitty. When I say shitty, I don't mean the regular hard brown turds that make your asshole feel good after you release it, I mean the green sticky wet kind that make your asshole moist and your stomach queasy.

If I have successfully made you feel uncomfortable, then I have succeeded in my intended plan. Also you're a pussy.

Anyway, I have to say that parties in my town usually come to 3 endings: 1. it's shut down and everyone is called a "disrespectful fuck" by the host(ess) 2. the police arrive and we have to go home 3. someone ends up crying, piss drunk, and no longer a virgin.

Though I am often invited to social gatherings, I don't love them all that much. For the most part, the music is too god damm loud and it's shitty anyway. I swear to god if I have to listen to Nicki Minaj one more time I'm going to fucking kill someone. Listening to her music is as stimulating as plugging my dick hole with cheese.

Where's my frustration coming from? I shall tell you all.

I was invited to a Halloween party last month and it was scheduled to occur yesterday. It lasted about a half hour, but I didn't even spend a second.

My plan was originally to go to this party dressed as my homie Slenderman. If you don't know who Slenderman is, I highly recommend you get off this shitty blog and go google it. Play the game for 10 minutes and try to tell me its not one of the scariest things you've ever done in your life.

I played Slenderman for a total of 30 minutes before I said, "fuck this, I'm just gonna jerk off."





Dressed as Slenderman, I was going to lurk people and scare the shit out of everyone by staring at them and saying nothing at all. After playing the rapist card for a little bit I was going to hilariously dance on the floor and touch myself. This is normally what I do at parties anyway, but this time nobody would know it was me.

Sadly, this plan never truly unfolded. The ride TO the VFW, which is where the party was hosted, was paved with sketchy scenery and an ominous feeling that you were going to be raped. The fact that the Monmouth County Maximum Prison was right across the street only added to that feeling.

Fortunately, everyone's butthole was kept intact.

Finally arriving at the rape-house, we saw a group of kids standing outside of a shack-shaped building and the sounds of shitty, shitty music. As our penises were hard and our nipples wet, we walked out of the car ready to scare, to score, and to kill someone.

But little did we know that a strange Troll-like man would accost us. Dressed in a stained T-shirt from 1998, and high socks that came up to his knees stemming from his New Balance shoes, this troll fuck became our biggest problem. Before we left to go to the party, we kept debating when to go, saying that 7:00 would be too early. We left at 8 and assumed we'd have a ball with people already there.

OF COURSE, it backfired.

The Troll-like man yelled at us, and others in the parking lot, "YOU CAN'T COME IN, WE'RE AT MAXIMUM CAPACITY AND THERE'S NO ADULT SUPERVISION."

My immediate response to this fat fuck was, "So? I was invited."

He repeated the same phrase about 8 times and some of the hostesses of the party joined him in shouting. I wanted to kill all of them. The inner Slenderman was coming out, but being a pussy, I did nothing but laugh.

What makes me laugh, even now, is that they had the balls to charge people $5 to enter. I sincerely feel bad for everyone that paid for a half hour party and if I was in charge of the party, I'd pay everyone back. No party, especially not that shit hole, is worth a dollar every 6 minutes.

As we pulled away from the parking lot I promptly screamed from the car, "FUCK YOU!! TRY WEIGHT WATCHERS!!" I still feel that wasn't enough and hopefully someone will burn that place down.

We were crushed, pissed off, and full of semen. So we went back to a friend's house to relax and figure out what the fuck happened.


Here's a good shot of how we were all feeling at this time.


Supposedly, after we left, cops came and ended the party and the entourage moved to someone else's house. Shortly after THAT transaction, everyone was kicked out. So in the end, nobody had a good night and it was an entire waste of money, gas, energy, and time. Claps for Manalapan.

When the whole excursion was over, it was decided for some girl friends of ours to come over and just chill. Smoking hookah in the basement and listening to some awful music, we made the best out of a shitty situation. Joe, my gay love, had the opportunity to get with 2 girls but did not.

I'm still pissed off at him because one of these girls has a huge ass. I'm seriously considering him gay.

All in all, this failed Halloween party was a nightmare and the only photo of Slenderman in action is here, but I'm not even lurking.

Sorry Ethan.




Hopefully this blog post cheers someone up as much as it's cheered me up. With that said, Atheistjustin out this bitch.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Atheistjustin Visits A Strange Place (Not For The Weak Stomached)

Auschwitz, India, and my asshole are some of the places you don't want to be. And yet in this strange world, you can find places where you'd never expect to find some things. From London, where you can find people with 3 teeth in their mouths, to Boston where people replace the letter 'O' with 'A':

"Let's go Taaaahm Brady!"
"Gotta lahve tha Saux."

You can find some interesting shit just about anywhere. Perhaps the greatest, or at least one of the greatest, would have to be the Chinese Supermarket.

Let me tell everybody the tale of my Sunday. I had just finished running a 5K for children's cancer- yes I do have a soul. I mean, fuck you all you're all whores and ugly.

Here's some photographic evidence that I'm not a lazy piece of shit (lol jk I'm a fat whore.)

At first, I was ready to tackle this run as if it were a big fat black lady with KFC and butter.

Little did I know how many hills this fucking path would have, and once again, I was beaten by a fat black woman. This is a reoccurring nightmare.


Well, after suffering like an Ethiopian woman, I was told by my father that we needed to pick up shrimp for the barbecue at our house. I was briefly warned about this place, but nothing could possibly prepare me for this.

Before you entering, it seems like nothing is askew. It has a normal sign which predominantly says "Supermarket" and some Chinese writing. No big deal, sounds like a normal place right?

But then the doors open up.

And it smells like dirty, old vagina.

And the first thing you hear is Japanese pop music.

Wandering through this vagina smelling building, I followed my dad to the fish section. First passing the frozen food section I was greeted by these yummy treats.


I kept moving on throughout the store and the smell of vagina increased in potency, exponentially. After an elapse of only 30 seconds, I came to the source of the aroma. Everything I saw was so incredible, I was compelled to take several pictures.

This is a crate of live eels on the floor. They are alive. Do you understand me? These fucking eels, which probably have the capability of ripping out my jugular, are on the floor in a little crate.


When I went over to this, a nice Chinese man was shouting at me saying, "MAOO MAOO!!!"

Still not sure what that means but I assume it means, "you dumb white piece of shit."


My only question is: who goes and says, "you know what I want to eat today, some motherfucking jellyfish."

Just a tank full of living frogs. Just in case you wanted some fresh Frog eyes.

And why not have a nice fish tank packed with fish. This too was on the floor.




I wish I could convey to you how amazing this place was and how I was convinced that I had somehow teleported to Asia and was stuck in this land of magic and vagina.

Sadly, I left and was unable to witness any karate fights. Leaving, I did also see some gallons of soy sauce, you know, for all those people that need a GALLON OF FUCKING SOY SAUCE.

After leaving I became a new person, and awakened.

I hope to add more tales of the strangest places on the earth, and hopefully this too will become a series of posts.









Atheistjustin, MAO.

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Atheistjustin is a Dick.

I feel like writing, so fuck you.

In case you're new to this blog, my name is Justin Hawthorne. My hobbies include stamp collecting, orphans, and fucking with people. I dislike AIDS, Justin Bieber, and that Mexican boy that keeps rubbing my thighs on the subway.

I suppose that out of all my talents from guitar playing, to writing, to comedy, my greatest would have to be my ability to fuck with people.

Though I cannot possibly recall and tell every tale of my endeavors of harassment, I can definitely
show off a few.

Let's start with one of my most recent and with my best friend Noah. Noah is a heavy sleeper and thus is easily fucked with at night. He has been drawn on and T-bagged, but we never told him about that last one. Well, last weekend, Noah dozed off before me and Joe and so we had a little fun.

FIRST I think I should explain that this piece of shit Jew fuck has punched me in the stomach, woken me up countless times, and taken a picture with me unconscious with knives. Also, he took my bitch in 8th grade, but read my book for that gay shit.


So, Friday night he dozes off to sleep around 12:30. I asked Joe, "Wanna fuck with him?" and about a second later he responded with "Let's do it."

After kissing, Joe and I developed some ideas. We saw that he was sleeping NEXT to his couch and not ON the couch thus giving us an excellent angle/position to fuck with him.

First thing we did was set him on fire. Naturally. Being that I had a broken lighter that would shoot out butane 10x the magnitude of a normal lighter, I lit it with another lighter causing a huge flame to shoot beside Noah's face.
video





Secondly, we resorted to throwing things at him and placing dolls. Then, I drew some racist subliminal messaging on paper and placed it beside him so he would wake up the next morning with a "what the fuck happened last night" demeanor. Adding dolls to his asshole and and throwing pictures and doggy pads, I realized that none of this would really have a lasting effect.

We didn't cause him any physical harm because last time he was drawn on he flipped a shit like an Orphan after being thrown into a dumpster.

Joe and I both knew that the only way we could really mess with him was psychologically and so we used a phony text making app to send him this- keep in mind he has a girlfriend.


By the end of the night, Noah looked like this.








Fucking with my friends is far from the only form of being a dick I pursue. Here's a girl trying to give me the dick and me dishing it right back.






She didn't respond after.




This blog post may birth a new segment of my blog called Fucking with People and may add more tales to it. Also, I'm going to attempt to change the comment settings on my page so everyone can tell me their shitty opinion that I don't even care about.

I'm talking to YOU white people.






Thursday, September 27, 2012

Atheistjustin is not a Jew.

It perplexes me as to how people can still ask me what religion I am. My blog is atheistjustin.blogspot.com. My tumblr is imatheist.tumblr.com. My twitter is @atheistjustin and my PS3 online user name is justintheatheist. Yet still somehow, people ask me either "are you really atheist" or "aren't you Jewish?"

I will explain everything to everyone now and clear this all up like the acne on my ass. Special thanks to Neutrogena.

So, let me explain that the only reason people think I'm a Jew is because I was RAISED by Jews. You see, I lived with my grandparents for most of my life and both of them are Jewish. H

Anyway, my Grandmother converted to Judaism as soon as she could as her father was a Russian Jew. My poppa Sye, now deceased, is the only True Jew as I like to call him. When my mom and uncle were born, my uncle took the Jewish route and went to Hebrew school and had a Bar Mitzvah.

My mom, on the other hand, said "NAH NIGGA FUQ DAT NOISE I AIN'T BOUT DAT LIFE! SQUAD." That is an actual quote.

Nevertheless, when I was born, my mom was told by my Jew Grandmother that if she wanted me to be loved, I would have to be inducted into the Jew lifestyle. This includes: A briss, A menorah, and A Bar Mitzvah.

I never did the Bar Mitzvah, I said "fuck you" to Hebrew school.

I was brissed (got my dick chopped off by a scary old man) and have my own Menorah which is 9 homosexual dreidals dancing together. I promise to upload a picture when the Chanukkah shit comes in a few months.

My dad is a Roman Catholic. So eventually he said to my mom, "Look hoe, that nigga has half my cock-genes so I'm going to dip some water on his head via an old molesting priest ight?!?" Another actual quote.

My mother happily agreed to the terms and conditions (without reading them), and I was baptised at 4. Which is about 4 years late. But whatever.

Growing up in my youth, I was exposed to the Jewish and Catholic religion from both of my grandmothers. They were the most religious members of my family and promptly explained to me their beliefs and the differences of the religions.

For those of you who may also be confused here's a diagram.


CATHOLICISM
 PROS-
1.Way more fun with Christmas
2. Cool Robes
3. Gold Chains
4. Cool songs
5. You get to look at a shirtless man tied to the letter T
CONS-
1. Hell
2. Priests
3. Getting on your knees for the Lord
4. Every Sunday you have to get up at the asshole of dawn to watch 2 virgins sing some songs about how much we all should love our 'merciful' god.

JUDAISM

PROS-
1. No Hell
2. Cool Hats
3. You're a far better investor and banker

CONS-
1. Boring as shit
2. Phlegm Language
3. You can't go to the South, Middle East, or Germany in the 40's
4. The Holocaust
5. All the women look like Anne Frank
6. There are (b)(m)illions of people that want to kill you

I was always skeptical of religion and how it didn't make sense. Here are some of my questions at just age 6.

1. "Who was there writing this down?"
2. "Why didn't they just get a map to go back to Israel?"
3. "Who the fuck put Moses in charge?"
4. "Why were there slaves and why did God allow it?"
5. "If Jesus was born in Bethlehem, in the Middle East, isn't he brown?"
6. "Why can't Santa Claus be black?"
7. "If Jesus can come back to life why can't my grandpa Ernie?"
8. "Where does the Pope come from in all this?"
9. "If God knows everything, why did he even tell Adam and Eve about the apple?"
10. "Why the fuck is there a snake talking?"
11. "How many drugs did the writer of this book do?"

After years and years of having more questions with no answers, and after learning more science, I realized that there's probably no god, no afterlife, and that religion as a whole, is a lie and was used to keep ancient people from killing each other. If you disagree, I recommend you listen to some Richard Dawkins and read up on some shit.

Here's a cool fact:

There are an estimated 100 billion galaxies in the universe.

There are an estimated 200-400 billion stars in the Milky Way galaxy.

That means there must be roughly 10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 (10 sextillion) stars in the universe.

Are you going to tell me that there is a God somewhere above all of this shit that knows the movement of every single person and every single star and every single act? Are we to believe that God can take time out of his day to stop observing the stars and the motion of light and gasses to simply watch us play a fucking football game?

Does God really watch me NOT retweet him?

Bullshit.


Atheistjustin. Please remember.





Mazel tov.

Saturday, September 22, 2012

Atheistjustin Is A Lazy Whore

I'm pretty sure for all of us, there have been multiple days where we've hit the snooze button at least once or twice. For me, my whole life is a snooze button. I think if my house was on fire and a firefighter was shouting at me that I had to get out of my burning cocoon of death, I would tell him "5 more minutes."

I am a lazy whore and I won't deny it. If school gave me the option of prostitution in exchange for nap time, I would wear high heels every day and buy some bombshells. Bombshells by the way, are fantastic. Especially on men.

I understand that its been roughly 10 days since my last post, but I am far too lazy to go on and hit the "Internet Explorer" button to open up my blog. "Who the fuck uses Internet Explorer" my stalker may ask? Well, I do. And this is because my asshole Google Chrome feels that I only have 1 e-mail account. and that it's whosteen1. However, I have 4 and my other more used account, which is connected to this one, is chodemonster69.

I am far too lazy to try and get my Google Chrome to stop syncing every single aspect of my entire life: Facebook, Twitter, Youtube, Tumblr, and Blogger together into one big orgy of Justin Hawthorne. Besides, if all of these motherfuckers were in my e-mail ALL giving me notifications, I would have killed Mark Zuckerberg and the other Jews that have made the Internet.

Why? Because I'm too lazy to go through my e-mails and delete them all.

In order to remedy my laziness, I have become a coffee addict. But the half hour surge of energy I get is solely used to get me from my kitchen to my bus stop.

I must point out that I am indeed so lazy that I took a break from writing this blog post to watch a video of some asshole dropping the iPhone 5.

Here's a link to that pile of shit.http://www.complex.com/tech/2012/09/video-first-iphone-5-drop-test

Getting off on a bit of a tangent, does anyone else agree that this new iPhone is a hunk of steel shit? Why would I want my phone to be bigger and for what possible reason would a 2-tone back be necessary for? I think Apple should just face that after Steve Jobs died so did the company's creativity. The iPhone 5 was really more like an attempt at copying it's competitor the Android.

And when you think about it, Apple, as well as the iPhone, were pioneers not followers. They were the first to give us touch screen phones and make the cellphone into something truly beyond our capacity. The first iPhone, while such a piece of shit to today's standards, was a true Christopher Columbus in the technological world. But now, the iPhone is reduced to a whore merely trying to suck more dick than it's best friend "Lafaundah."


And just look at this fucker.


I can hear Steve Job's shouting in his coffin.

Anyway as I was writing this, I was assaulted by a fly and was too lazy to go out of my way to kill it. So instead, I waited in the hallway for it to magically attack me and thus allowing me it to swat it using an electric flyswatter. Because I'm too lazy to actually swish my wrist downward, I'll just let some volts of electricity kill a small insect for me.

Here's a picture of said event:



I am wearing sandals.


Well as a lazy piece of shit I am, I do promise that I will try my very hardest to write on this blog at least once a week for all my fellow fans. Surprisingly, I do actually have actual fans and I'd actually like to prove it to anyone reading this who may thank otherwise.

Special thanks to Nicole Cuba, Farah Bakri, and Kyle Fargesen for making me smile and giving me the energy to keep on typing away on this piece of shit.

  • Kyle Fargesen
    • even tho i dont know u i just died reading your blog, props

  • September 12
    Justin Hawthorne
    • Haha
    • Thanks

  • Kyle Fargesen
    • you can probably write a book with that shit
    • Like i hope they serve beer in hell, u just gotta do dome crazy shit and write it all down

  • September 12
    Justin Hawthorne
    • Hahaha I already did Write a book actually but thanks for your support I appreciate all the fans I can get

  • Kyle Fargesen
    • Oh lol np bud. Marlboro kids getting laughs from a manalapan guy hahaha


I would have written more to him but I was in the middle of SAT classes as he was messaging me. Oh well, this blog won't take my ass to college like the SAT will.


  • Farah Bakri
    • okay i must confess, i fucking love your blogspot and i read it all the time. you have a great sense of humor that actually makes me giggle, and its pretty hard for someone to make me laugh as much as i do when i read what you wrote

  • July 18
    Justin Hawthorne
    • AHHH! I'm honored, glad to know someone appreciates the shit I put up there
  • July 18
    Farah Bakri
    • It's awesome you have such a great potential of becoming a writer honestly between the vocabulary and the compositional risks. I love it all!

  • July 18
    Justin Hawthorne
    • You sound like my 8th grade english teacher, whom was a dyke. Regardless, thanks a bunches. Golf Wang

And my favorite of all was Nicole, not only was she a fan of my blog but she even liked my blog enough to want to get with me. How that makes any sense I have absolutely no idea. All I know is that over the summer, this blog actually got me ass. Thank you blog.

  • Nicole
    • hi, this might sound really creepy but I read your blog before and you're fucking hilarious c:

  • June 26
    Justin Hawthorne
    • Why thank you darling
    • It's not creepy at all I enjoy when people read my stuff

  • June 26
    Nicole
    • haha no problem! (:




However, as I finish up this blogpost, I find it necessary to tell everyone that Justin Hawthorne, the Never Wrong and the Awesome, is actually in a relationship. Yes, yes, I have a girlfriend and I barely even have to drug her when I see her.

Now I must slumber, writing this has made me sleepy. Because I Am A Lazy Whore.

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Atheistjustin's Awkward Life

Now that I have "homework," it's going to take me a while to write a decent sized, decently written blogpost. I'm sure your crushed, but unless you can convince my cocaine addict teachers that homework isn't necessary every single second of your life, we're all beat.

Well, school has obviously started and I am looking forward to a year full of hard work and vigorous trial. My plan is to do my best and avoid drugs and alcohol. Something tells me however, that by the end of Junior year, I am going to become a Korean Prostitute addicted to crack.

It's going to be a great year.

I'm sure at least ONE of my faithful readers (my mom) is curious about my first day, so I'll tell her.

Let's start with acknowledging that there are some people I do not like. When it comes to all these people, there is one whom stands out. It's not polite to name names but let it be understood that this person and I were close friends.

Of course, when we were friends, I never saw them around.

But, now that things are awkward, they are literally on my bus and in 3 of my fucking classes. It's like getting stabbed with shards of broken glass.

First I got on the bus, and let me tell you how much fucking fun that was. First day: I couldn't find it. You know why? It came 15 minutes early. Perfect start to my year.

Finally arriving at school with 10 minutes extra time, I came dressed as a teacher so that I could fuck with Freshmen. Unfortunately, there was absolutely no time for Mr. Hawthorne to school some Freshmen and kick their little asses.

Class is in session, whores.

After discovering some bitch  in my first period/homeroom/hell I ventured to gym. Let me tell you that I finally got a chance to look at all the little Freshies and found that they are all below 5 feet tall. One girl in particular, is sincerely 4 feet tall. How the fuck are you all in High School?

3rd period is eh. The music teacher talks with that 'homosexual voice.' Do you know what I mean? I mean, when you're imitating a gay guy you use 'that' voice. Well, he has that voice- but is not homosexual. He has a wife.

My nipples are just as confused as you are.

Coming up after that is English. As much as I love English, I can just tell that being in honors is going to kick my ass.

Not only did I have homework the first day, but my teacher told us that in just a week, we would have to write our summer reading essays. She spends most of class talking with her eyes closed and repressing all the inner suffering she has being in her mid 40's and single.

I stumbled into AP History afterwards to find a teacher with the single most annoying voice in the history of audible sound. Her voice sounds like that high-pitched fart that comes out of your asshole after too much Peaking Pavilion.

There is absolutely nothing to like about this History teacher. Being that she is really young, some guys find her attractive, but I just find it annoying. Why is a 24 year old teaching me history when she hasn't even seen anything? I blame Mitt Romney.

I want a history teacher who has actually seen some history. Give me an old racist black guy any day. That old racist black guy probably hates my honky ass but at least he probably has some good fucking stories.

With bleeding ears, I came into my math class. Here is where we will stop for a bit and examine how amazingly awkward my life is.

First off, last year there was this very pretty blond girl I used to pass by every day on the way to first period and right after on my way to second. She was very pretty and I developed a bit of a crush on her.

One day, she liked my status for a confession.

Thinking she was a senior. now graduate, I told her of my past crush and that she was very pretty. It was 2 in the morning and I figured, "what the hell?"

Here is that very conversation.

Me: C: YOUR MAD FUCKEN HOT AND I HAD A CRUSH ON YOU LIKE ALL LAST YEAR BUT NOW THAT YOURE GRADUATING I DONT GIVE A FUCK AND WILL SAY WHAT I WANT. #ITCHYBALLS.

Girl: I'm a senior...

Me: Perfect.


When I walked into Pre-Calculus, guess who was there.

Yup.

Beside me in the same class is a different hot girl with whom I have absolutely no shot. Because I know how inadequate I am with attractive vagina'd creatures, I do not care about my appearance to them. My only concern is not being too annoying so they don't absolutely hate me.

I cannot pronounce her name. And because of this, I only imagine there being even more lovely encounters between she and I.

But to put a cherry on top of everything else. there is a special girl in my class.

Yeah.

Even though I am in a Senior course as a Junior, there is somehow a Sophomore in this class as well. Somehow, even though she has problems, she is very good at calculating math.

Just goes to show: math is retarded.

Now, she is very distracting as she cannot keep her thoughts to herself and quite frankly it's fucking distracting, awkward, and more annoying than getting crack on your shirt or getting your shirt in your crack.

Though, I suppose my favorite thing is that she wears really tight and tiny pants. Which, are inadequate at concealing her asshole. SO, being that I sit behind her, her entire asshole is shown to me and the world in broad daylight and is obviously the elephant in the room.

It's not that I find it sexually appealing at all, but it's kind of hard to not look at a retarded girl's asshole.

After seeing some asshole, I get the chance to finally get lunch. Which, by the way, is 5% more expensive because everything is now "healthier." Yeah okay. Thanks Obama.

To end my day off, I get to chill in Italian class which, I have to admit, is actually the highlight of my life. Special thanks to Becky Sorensen for wearing leggings.

School has just begun and my only question is: When the fuck is winter break and does anyone have any crack?


Who IS Atheistjustin?

My photo
I am Never Wrong. I am Awesome. I do NOT eat ass.